


Where The Story Ends

by khd14



Category: American Actor RPF, Chris Evans - Fandom
Genre: Boston, Cabins, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Explicit Language, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, Friendship/Love, Heartbreak, Love, Male-Female Friendship, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-29 09:38:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3891499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khd14/pseuds/khd14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
<a href="http://s1064.photobucket.com/user/khdent/media/hc_zpshokjbstm.jpg.html"><img/></a>
</p>
<p>AU Chris Evans is attempting to repair his relationship with former love and longtime best friend Holland Kessler. Will the road to redemption end in unrequited love or a permanent severance of ties? Only time will tell...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. trying not to lose my head but I have never been this scared before

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy! 

**__________________________________________________________**

The erratic _thump thump_ of her heartbeat pounded through her ears and poured into her head, and it was at this time that she cursed herself for forgetting her headphones on a run of this length. Normally, the quiet wasn’t so bad, but today… today she just needed to let go. Attempt to outrun her demons, the constant thorns in her sides, the monsters under her bed. She just needed to be _free_.

Usually it was work, sometimes it was Jase, and occasionally… just occasionally… it was her family. She was honestly shocked at the reality that it wasn’t her family that ate at her the most, as being part Italian and part German while raised in Boston didn’t always bring out the calmness of any situation. But Jase…

_Jase_. The name that used to bring butterflies to her stomach and flutters to her heart now only brought a subtle sickness to her heart and mind. _God, Holland, how could you have done this to yourself,_ she would often ponder, as she sat silently at her desk with yet another text message of “sorry, can’t make it tonight” or “I have other plans”. Two years, on and off, albeit, but still… two years of her life had been poured down the drain - and with what consequence other than her own heartbreak?

Holland Kessler had managed to fall for someone who would only break her heart, shatter her hopes and dreams of a husband and family, make her regret ever opening her heart to another soul. She never wanted to admit that Jase was just _all sorts of wrong_ for her, but she powered through the distance and disrespect hoping to find a calming peace, but as always, it never showed.

As she came upon the boardwalk outlining the ports of Boston, the distant memories began to infect her mind with a powerful vengeance only heartbreak could cure. She pushed through the tears and continued pounding her feet against the pavement, attempting to outrun the flashbacks as quickly as possible and with - hopefully - no recollection. This was the last thing that needed to be in her conscious as she ended her day.

Looking down at the Nike+ watch on her wrist, she knew her pace was just all sorts of wrong and that she would pay for this training error later, but she just needed to let go. Seeing Lisa Evans at the market that afternoon only brought everything to a head, as she looked at Holland as if she were a broken, sad little puppy needing everything from a hug to a good long cry. Always treating her as if she were her own, Lisa would constantly send her text messages, offer a seat for dinner, did she need any errands ran?

Lisa didn’t have the heart to tell her that Chris would be in town over the weekend, as finally breaking up with Jase O'Reilly was the moment that everyone had been waiting for. Both families attempted to limit the time spent between the Holland and Chris, as their interactions only made for wandering hearts and eyes, and at which time, neither one needed to have in their life. She also didn’t want to be the one to have to tell her that he had been seeing someone for awhile now, and seemed to be happy - the happiest since she’s seen him in a long time.

Poor Holland - tears streamed down her cheeks in the middle of the produce section as she had to relive the nightmare over again. Catching Jase with another woman - was she even old enough to be called that? Holland still had her doubts - in Holland’s own shower, her lips wrapped around Jase’s cock. She still shuddered at the thought - how could she have been so blind? Of course, the only thing Lisa knew to do was to comfort her and tell her positively that everything would be alright.

Maybe it would be, maybe it wouldn’t be. No one really knew how life was going to turn out - afterall, it was what you made it. But what had she done in her life to deserve this? Said the wrong thing? Concentrate too much on her career? Love too deeply? Trust too vividly? She just needed to know, so that she could _never do it again_.

The hole in her heart continued to grow larger with each mile that she put under her belt, her stride and her pace finally coming together to form the perfect run. Before she knew it, ten miles had passed and she was back at the entrance of her brownstone, her nearly frozen fingers and toes silently begging for a warm shower and a glass of chamomile tea. A peaceful night with no interruptions, plenty of chocolate ice cream, and a good cry was all that she needed… for now.

*****

"I saw Holland at the market this evening," Lisa took the bags of groceries from Chris’ arms and sat them on the kitchen countertop. "She's going to be at Sunday dinner. I know that you two have had your differences, but now might be a good idea to start mending your relationship for the better." She began taking the items out of the bag and putting them away, smiling at her son supportively.

Those two needed each other, no matter how hard they tried to deny it.

"Yeah, maybe." He took a bottle of beer from the fridge and opened it, flicking the cap onto the counter. He pressed his lips to the top of the cold, glass bottle and closed his eyes as he took a sip, attempting to block Holland's image from his mind. He couldn’t handle this right now.

"I know it’s hard, sweetheart. Coming back here, all those terrible memories being brought back up. But you have to remember, she’s gone through this for the past three and half years, all those memories staring her in the face every single day." At his continued silence, she leaned up against the counter and turned towards him, growing anxious at his lack of a response. "Christopher. Why won't you talk to me about her?"

Chris chuckled at his mother's increasing frustration, glancing at her quickly then back to his feet, where he leaned his shoulder up against the fridge. "Ma, I just," The smirk fell from his luscious pink lips, as no matter what he said or how hard he tried to push it away, her image was still burnt into his mind with a dirty requital. “I want to make it right, I do, I just… don’t know how to go about it the right way.”

"Ah, I understand now. You just don't want to see her while you have your girlfriend with you." Lisa cocked an eyebrow at her observation and shook her head smugly, turning back around to finish putting the groceries away. She knew him better than he would like to admit.

He shoved his left hand into the front pocket of his khakis and took another sip of the beer in his hand. "I love her." He repeated the three words again firmly, as if to reassure himself that he truly believed it and felt it in his heart.

Lisa smiled, folding the paper bag into a small rectangle and sticking it in a basket in the pantry. "I know you do." She patted his shoulder softly as she passed him.

"No," Chris furrowed his brow tightly and shook his head discouragingly. "I meant... I was talking about..." He trailed off, his words growing more complicated by the second. That wasn't what he meant... If he could just explain... Say the words that needed to be said...

"I know, you weren't talking about Holland." She nodded her head curtly and smiled at him. "You don't have to go to the Kessler's for Sunday dinner if it makes you uncomfortable, Christopher. I wouldn't make you do something that you don't want to do, you know that."

He shrugged his shoulders and slowly lifted his head, letting his gaze fall on his mothers. "I know that." He smiled at her. "It'll all work out, don't worry."

*****

"Chris, it's good to see you, man." Max Kessler gave Chris a welcoming embrace. "You want a beer?"

"Yeah, man. That'd be great." Chris took off his jacket and laid it on the barstool next to him. "It looks great down here." He scanned the newly renovated basement quickly and took the beer from Max's outstretched hand. "Thanks."

"Kate hates it." Max rolled his bright green eyes with a smirk and took a long sip of the beer in his hands. The self-described "man cave" had everything from a pool table and dart area to a fully functioning beer keg fridge and taps.

Chris chuckled. “Which only means that you love it.”

Max shrugged his shoulders slightly and sat down the beer onto the concrete countertop. “So, what’s up, man? You don’t come around for ages, and now I hear from your mom that you’ll be at family dinners?”

“I promised her over Christmas,” Chris sighed and dropped his gaze to the beer in his hands. “She wanted me around more, and I feel bad just kind of… leaving so quickly, and… never coming back.”

Max raised his eyebrows. “You know that you and Holland can’t avoid each other anymore, right? I mean, you’re going to see each other, have to talk to each other…” He grimaced - he surely didn’t want to be around when that finally happened.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m aware,” Chris took another long sip from his beer and sat it back down on the counter empty. “And you know that I have a girlfriend?”

Max laughed, grabbing another beer from the fridge. “I’m aware.”

“I’m over her.” Chris took the beer and let his gaze settle on his best friend, his tone wavering with each word. “I’m serious, Max.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it, Chris.” Max chuckled. The look in Chris’ eyes, the tone of his voice… he knew that there was no possible way for Chris to ever be over his little sister. “I’m assuming that you were told about her and Jase?”

Chris sighed heavily and wiped his palm across his forehead, gathering the nervous sweat his body had accumulated. “It’s terrible; who could do such a thing?”

“As bad as it is for Holland, it was for the best.”

Chris shot Max a concerned look.

“Look, man, you didn’t see it. And if you did, you didn’t want to see it. He,” Max shook his head swiftly. “He was terrible to her. It wasn’t a healthy relationship. It’s not what she needs, what she deserves. She tried so hard to make it work, and,” He frustratingly threw his hands in the air. “As I said, it’s for the best.”

“How’s, uh,” Chris cleared his throat nervously. “How’s she doing with it?”

“You can ask her yourself, tomorrow at dinner.”

“Yeah,” Chris smiled at him and shook his head slowly. “I think we both know that won’t go over too well.”

Max chuckled. “It’s okay to talk to her, you know. Apologize, make amends, clear the air…”

One corner of Chris’ lips curled into a smile and quickly fell. “Maybe,” He turned his gaze from Max and sighed. “I’m just… trying to figure out how to do that in the best way possible.”

"I'm not going to lie to you, Chris. We all know what happened and how you handled it. The situation you put her in," Max shook his head. "It made me want to beat the living shit out of you, honestly. She's hurt. Wounded. Once again, by a man, who, once again, lied to her. I'm terrified she's never going to be able to trust you ever again."

"I'm going to fix that, Max, I swear." Chris sighed heavily. "I know that you don't believe me, and wonder about my side of the story. And I'll give it to you, but I need to talk to her first. Get everything sorted out, and,"

"That's great, Chris, but you have to remember-"

Chris grimaced as he interrupted Max’s thought. "It's not going to be that easy."

Max chuckled. "You're absolutely right."

**__________________________________________________________**


	2. tell you what I'll do instead, lay my body down on the floor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

**__________________________________________________________**  

Bristol Evans rolled her eyes as she slid onto the marble countertop next to Holland. "He's an ass, Holland. It's just that simple."

Holland brought the bottle of tequila to her lips and took a quick sip, nodding her head forcefully, as if the simple motion would help her to believe just that - Jase _was_ an ass, after all.

"You don’t deserve it.” Bristol snatched the bottle from Holland and took a sip herself. “I know it’s hard to think about those two years down the drain, love, but… you’re much better off without him.”

"Yeah, yeah." Holland rolled her eyes and sighed. "After everything I tried to do, I guess I was just completely wrong."

"Whoah! A lawyer admitting that they're wrong? I never thought I'd see the day," Bristol winked at her and took another sip of the sweet, clear nectar. “I know that your relationship with Jase was easy. You didn’t have to think about him, you didn’t have to fall for him. You two just… worked, in your own little way.”

Holland gave Bristol a small smile and took the patron bottle back into her hands. “I know about Chris, so, you don’t have to feel as if you’re walking on eggshells around me.” She took a quick sip and sighed. “I know he’s in town, I know he’s going to be at dinner today, I know that he has a girlfriend and that he’s happy. I know everything, okay?”

Bristol nudged her shoulder against Holland’s and smiled. “Are you okay? With all that information?”

Holland dropped her shoulders as well as her gaze. “I,” She slid off the counter and turned to face her. “I’m okay. I wish I could say that I don’t care, but I do. I still have this space for him in my heart, and I know that it’s never going to happen, but I can hope, right? I’m not banking on us ever being together, Bristol, I swear, but I still have this tiny sliver of… stupid, fucking hope.”

“Hope isn’t a bad thing, love. Hell, I still have the hope of you two getting together all the time. I mean, I already love you like a sister, but to actually have you as a sister?!” She smiled widely. “You two have some sort of cosmic connection, and maybe one day you’ll figure it out."

“I hope so.” Holland forced a smile. “I guess we can’t stay in here forever, hmm?” Holland glanced around her childhood bathroom with a smile and took another sip of tequila, wanting to get away from the conversation as quickly as possible. “Besides, I don’t think that I can drink any more of this without feeling it coming back up at a later time.”

“It’s perfectly acceptable to stay in here forever.” Bristol cocked an eyebrow and took the bottle from Holland’s grasp. “But you’re right… We might need to stop this if we’re going to be expected sober at dinner.” She glanced at the watch on her wrist and grimaced. “In forty five minutes.”

Holland simply shrugged her shoulders. “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Bristol chuckled. “Hey, there’s this new executive at the bank.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh, please. Jase and I literally just called it quits, can’t you take a break from trying to set me up?!” Holland rolled her eyes and grabbed the bottle of tequila from Bristol. “Last one, I swear.”

“Did I mention that he’s British?”

Holland’s eyes grew wide. “Please, tell me more,”

“Tall, brunette, extremely handsome. Thighs like a god.” Bristol smirked. “I’m telling you, Holland, he’s gorgeous. And that accent! Hell,” She shook her head slowly. “Now I understand why it’s such a turn on.” She cocked an eyebrow and slid from the counter. “And he wears waistcoats.”

Holland threw her head back dramatically and groaned. “Are you trying to kill me?”

“Maybe.” She opened the door to the bathroom and stepped into the hallway. “But at least if I do, you’ll have something sexy on the mind to remember me by.”

*****

The deep voice resonated from the top of the stairs, greeting the Kessler’s with “It’s so good to see you’s” and introductions of “This is my girlfriend Mel”; a simple task that put a non-alcoholic buzz in Holland’s mind. She sat squished between Max and Bristol at the large pub table in the basement of her childhood home, where all the memories of the eight children of the Kessler’s and Evans’ seemed to have formed.

A nervous wave of emotion passed through her as the two sets of footsteps grew heavier and closer with each passing second. Holland shook the butterflies from her head and drank the remaining liquid from the beer bottle in front of her, not caring who's it actually was. She wanted to change her mind - _No; I can’t do this; I don’t want to; Please don’t make me do this; It’s too hard; I take it all back…_

Bristol gave her thigh a supportive squeeze as the couple made their way to the table, to which Holland promptly dropped her gaze to the cards in her hand. _Poker._ They should’ve remembered that not only did she graduate two years early from high school, graduate top of her class at the University of Oxford as well as Harvard Law School… but that she could count cards as if her life depended on it.

“Hey, everyone,” That deep, baritone voice greeted the table of eleven reluctantly, his bright blue eyes grazing across each individual, finally landing on Holland in a desperate attempt to form the words that he just couldn’t say. Chris felt a rush of disappointment cloud his brain as she refused to look at him, and instead focused on Mel, standing beside him nervously.

Chris greeted everyone with a genuine smile and gracious hugs - _Oh how she missed his hugs; always grabbing you at the right moment, the impeccable comforting nature… god, how she craved the sincerity of his touch_ \- until it came to her. “Holland,” He nodded towards her reluctantly, and he swore everyone in the room could see the train wreck that was about to happen. They all went silent as the two looked at each other, their eyes locked onto one another, desperately grabbing for some sense of truth and reality that the last three and a half years just couldn’t bring.

Holland swallowed the lump in her throat and a soft smile graced her lips. “Christopher,” As was his heart beating erratically, so was hers, making every motion, every thought, every breath more difficult than the one before.

God, how his heart melted when she said his name - so clear, so humble, so broken. “It’s good to see you.”

She knew that by the tone of his voice and the strain of his gaze, he was being sincere in his words. They practically begged her to forgive him right then and there, to say more than two words to him, to tell him that it was all going to be okay. But she couldn’t do that yet - _she just couldn’t_ \- and everyone in that room (except maybe Mel) sided with her and supported her through this situation. “Yeah,” She nodded her head slowly, dropping her gaze to the table lined with bottles of wine and beer. “You too.” She had never once craved alcohol in the sense to take her away from the reality of life… but at this moment, it was all she wanted.

Quickly, Chris turned his attention back to Mel and smiled at her. “Uh, everyone, this is Mel.” He waved his hand across the sea of people at the table. “Mel, you know Scott, Liam, Bristol, Annie, and Luke. And this is Gavin, Chloe, Kate, Max, Holland, Jackson, and Brett.”

Holland wanted to chuckle at the poor girl - all these people, all those names - she knew it had to be difficult coming into this family as an outsider. The Kessler's and the Evans' had been friends for so long that they couldn't even trace back to when their moment first began together. Their mothers swear it was when they ran into each other in a parking lot with strollers carrying their two oldest, but truth be told, it was probably before that. The 70's were a confusing time for all, honestly.

Chris began to explain everyone's relationships: Gavin and Chloe Kessler were married with three kids; Max and Kate Kessler were married with two kids; Jackson Kessler and Brett Ross were together with no intentions of children; and then there was lone Holland, married to her work. Chris eyed Holland nervously as he and Mel sat down at the end of the table, obviously still unsure about their presence there.

It was uncomfortable. It was painful. It was emotional. But it needed to happen - after three and a half years, they needed to start mending their relationship back to something good and sustainable - something that they both needed and craved, whether they wanted to admit or not.

*****

Chris managed to find himself downstairs at nearly midnight, the light in the dining room still burning brightly. He pulled the chair out from the table and smiled over at his mother. “What are you doing up this late?”

“Oh, I was just going through some pictures,” Lisa smiled at him and slid a photograph across the table.

He took it in his hands gently, his fingertips running across the smooth gloss finish. “That was in 2005, wasn’t it?” He turned the photo around, where the date and location was wrote in a faded black ink. “Yeah, it was.” He turned the photo back over, where the camera was zoomed onto the smiling faces of Scott, Holland, and Chris, with the lake in the background.

“We always had such a good time up there,” Lisa chuckled, sliding more photos from their trips to the cabin across the table.

He continued staring at the photo, the memories stirring his memories intensely. “I kissed her that summer.” He felt the tears began to form in his eyes and quickly continued before it was too late. “I just wanted to know how it felt to have her in my arms, you know?” He sat the photo down and began to look at the rest strewn out in front of him.

Lisa stopped sorting through the pictures and gave her son the full attention he needed.

“I talked her into going up on the peak to watch the sunset. Told her she’d never seen the view before. She kept saying the entire way up, ‘Christopher, I’ve been here a million times’, and I just kept reassuring her, ‘Trust me, you haven’t, it’s going to be amazing’.” He chuckled. “So we get to that place where the forest breaks and there's these huge rocks, and she turns me to me and says, ‘You lied to me.’ So I take her hand, and lead her out onto the rocks and pull her down in front of me, and wrap my arms around her. And she leans into me, puts her head right on my chest,” He patted the area between his chest and neck carefully, wiping the tears spilling onto his cheeks. “And she says, ‘You’re right, I’ve never seen it from here before’. We sat there together for hours, watching the sunset, the stars, and she just smelled so damn sweet, I could hardly keep my hands off of her. We kissed for hours and hours, and I remember wanting her so badly; I mean, I can still feel that fire burning in my chest, that ache to just be with her. And she kept saying, ‘We can’t, Christopher. Not yet. We just can’t.’ And it broke my heart, but I knew it was the right thing to do.”

“You love her.” Lisa stated, nodding her head intently. She knew it in her heart, her boy loved that girl, and she’s always known it.

“I,” He started, shaking his head. “I don’t like seeing her so unhappy.”

“I know, sweetheart.”

He sighed. “Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was?”

She scoffed. “Because you never wanted to talk about her! You’d freeze up and change up the subject.”

“Because I don’t know what to do.”

“Life’s not fair, Christopher, it’s not just going to hand you directions.”

“It just gets harder and harder to see her so unhappy.” He spoke quietly, running his fingertips across the photos his mother had set before him.

The blue eyed blond was in every single photo, her age ranging from a mere five years old to just a few months ago at Thanksgiving dinner. He was in constant awe at how she always seemed to age with such perfection. He knew that she was the same girl, - err, woman, - but something inside of her had changed immensely, to which he just couldn’t put his finger on.

“She’s quiet, which, you’re well aware of that, but anytime you’re in the room, Christopher… she lights up. I know you don’t want to believe me, or see it, but it’s the truth.”

“I just don’t know what to do.”

“Oh, baby.” She reached across the table and took his hand. “I worry about you.”

He gave her a forced smile and shook his head. “Don’t worry… I’ll be fine.”

*****

Holland collapsed on the couch next to Bristol, who turned towards her quickly. "I was worried about you, love, it’s late. How was your day?"

"Ugh," Holland groaned, pulling her black platform stilettos off her feet and throwing them on the floor next to her. "It was terrible. Court kept getting rescheduled because of the defense team and the judge was nowhere to be found this afternoon. The office was a mess, files everywhere, and of course with an office full of men, no one knew where anything was," She folded up her legs underneath her and took the ice cream container from Bristol's grasp.

Bristol chuckled. “Hey, you know, Valentines Day is in a few weeks.”

Holland groaned. “Really, B? That’s how you want to start a conversation with me?”

“Jackson and Scott invited us out. Apparently, Liam and Brett are going to be out of town on business and they wanted to do something… fun.” Bristol took the chocolate ice cream back in her hands. “I think it’d be good for the both of us to get out… maybe.” She took a large bite of ice cream and sighed, turning her attention back to the television.

“I’d just like to know what their definition of fun is,” Holland joked, itching to pull out her iphone and check Facebook - she didn’t know why she was having such a hard time dealing with a stupid friend request, but it was continually eating at her as the week went on. She took the spoon from the container of ice cream and took a large bite, sticking it back in the container for Bristol.

“Oh, you know,” Bristol chuckled. “Dinner, dancing; hopefully chocolate is somewhere on the list…” She furrowed her brows as she took another bite.

“Mmm, now that’s enticing.” Holland stood from the couch and gathered her shoes. “Let’s do it. Who knows, we might just have a good time.” She yawned and grabbed her bags and coat from the sofa table. “I’m going to bed, today has been too long and my bed is calling my name.”

Bristol turned and smiled at her. “I’ll let the boys know we’ll join them. See you in the morning.”

Holland returned the smile and made her way towards the open staircase, quickly heading to the master suite on the third floor. It was true, her day had started before 5am with a desperate email from a coworker, and rolled into a neverending ball of frustration… until now.

Collapsing onto her four post metal canopy bed, she stared up at the exposed ceiling through the off white chiffon draped across the posts and wanted nothing more than for someone else to be in her bed with her. Cuddling her, telling her that it was alright, that everything would be okay. It wasn’t everyday that she preferred the touch of a man to her skin, but tonight was one of those nights that she just craved the indescribable feeling of being wrapped up in another mans arms. His lips tracing the curve of her shoulder blade, his fingertips lingering on her skin, the tickle of his beard against her back.

She reached over and grabbed the iPad from her bag, all while pulling the off white comforter around her body tightly. Before she could undo her action, she opened the Facebook app and approved Chris’ request without giving it a second thought. It was for the best, right?

She hated the fact that her mind became so warped around the subject of Christopher, as she honestly didn’t even know what she wanted from him anymore. Resentment? Forgiveness? Friendship? Marriage? She knew how her heart felt, and what it craved, but the heart isn’t always the best judge of character… that’s saved exclusively for your mind and gut, which at the time, was telling her to forgive, which was a bigger task than she ever could’ve imagined.

*****

Chris leaned back into the leather chair, creaking under his weight, and stretched his arms above him, anxious to get the blood flowing back into his hands. He glanced at the computer screen once again, finalizing plans for a new log home his company was set to break ground on in a few days, and wanted to make sure everything was just right.

If there was anything he cared about more than… well, more than his family, it was his work. Starting his company so young had often seemed to be a mistake, but once he was able to provide his customers with more experience under his belt, Expedition Log Homes was finally at the point where it was making the money instead of losing it on unfinished projects.

Curiosity finally got the best of him as he reached into the left side drawer of his desk and pulled out his MacBook, opening the computer up to Facebook and logging in quickly. It had only been a few days since he had friend requested Holland on the social media site and didn’t want to seem impatient, but… so far, no luck.

He had to remember Bristol’s words, as Holland was just so busy that she could barely keep up with her eating habits, there was no way she could get on Facebook every single day to check such silly things. He just needed to see her, needed to make sure that she was okay, needed to know that she was taking care of herself.

It wasn’t fair, to Mel, to Holland, to their family. And he knew that, but, there was something deep in his heart, pulling him towards her once again, a connection so strong that he could barely contain himself with a giddy excitement of seeing her next. It was like they were 15 again, lovestruck with wide eyes and open hearts; only, they were much older and much wiser, this time their hearts torn apart and guarded with a vicious defense.

_Finally._ His heart nearly jumped out of his chest as he clicked on her name and that photo came up - that one, that certain one; with her back to the camera, the sun shining down on her relentlessly, making her blond hair glisten with an intensity he had never seen. He just needed a taste of her to figure out if this was all just anticipation leading up to a reconciliation, or worse, a huge fight.

It was exhausting, keeping Holland from his mind. He spent years attempting to forget about her, to live his life without her, but it was never the same. A certain love for life was gone; the clouds were more grey, the flowers died, chocolate didn’t taste as intense, nothing seemed worth it. Dating didn’t have the passion behind it that it once did - because frankly, he didn’t care about being happy because he knew it could never happen.

To be fair, his heart was never in his relationship with Mel. He never promised her a happy life of love, marriage, and kids. She knew that his heart was broken and there was almost nothing that could repair it back to its original state; she just didn’t know that it was Holland who was his only savior. And at this point in time, she wanted nothing to do with the task.

**__________________________________________________________**


	3. to forget what I've done, silhouette til the good lord come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obligatory warning: foul language ahead!

**__________________________________________________________**

Scott nudged Holland's shoulder as they stood quietly in the kitchen, picking through the remaining desserts from family dinner. He knew what her response was going to be as soon as the words fell from his lips, but unfortunately, he had no choice in the matter. "Chris is upstairs… and… he wants to talk to you."

Holland rolled her eyes. "And, what, he couldn't come tell me that himself?" She broke off a piece of brownie and stuck it in her mouth, continuing to sort through the sweets in front of them. “I’m sorry, Scotty. That wasn’t directed at you, you know that.” She gave him a reassuring smile as she turned and leaned her lower back against the countertop.

"He's trying, Holland. You know that he’s not that good at this kind of stuff." He smiled at her. "It might be good to go ahead, and, you know, get it all out. Get it out of the way, just,"

She forced yet another smile, breathing a deep sigh. "Why not. It has to happen sometime, right?" But she didn’t want today to be the day. Truthfully, she didn’t want any day to be that day. She wasn’t ready for the emotional aftermath that she knew was going to occur; she didn’t have the words planned out in her head, as she always did with each and every conversation; and she just wasn’t mentally ready to speak to him.

“You’ll be fine, I promise.” Scott chuckled and rolled his eyes playfully. “If you need it, the safe word is coconut. Yell it, and I’ll come running.”

*****

“Holland,” Chris smiled at her as she pushed the door to her childhood room closed behind her, slowly making her way to the middle of the room.

She swore that the only thing she could hear was the pounding of her heart, beating mercilessly against the walls of her chest. Three and a half years, and this is what it’s come to?

This wasn’t how she wanted it to happen; she didn’t want to do this today; she didn’t want the guilt of their heartbreak on her mind… But before she even had a chance to stop herself, and think carefully about her words, they fell from her lips so quickly, her eyes grew wide in an anxiety filled hype.

“You left me,” She really didn’t want to start off like this…

Chris opened his mouth and quickly closed it, his eyes softening at the thought. “I’m sorry, Holland, I,”

Honestly, she didn’t know what to say at this point. “It’s okay” (which it wasn’t) or “You’re sorry?” (which is what she REALLY wanted to say) or “I’ve forgiven you a long time ago” (which wasn’t true, but he didn’t know that). Instead, the room remained silent, their anxiety and tension filling every possible square inch; begging for a way out, a way to breath, a way to… think.

“I am, you know,” He took a step towards her, his gaze falling on hers and for the first time in a long time, they connected in such a way it took their breath from their lungs in one fiery swoop. “I’m sorry. I did what I thought was right, for you,” He cursed silently as the tears manipulated their way into his eyes. “You deserved so much more than what I could give you, and,”

“That’s not the point, Christopher.” She didn’t care that the tears started to roll from her eyes, as she was just so tired of having to hold them inside for so long, the only way she was going to feel better was to just let them go. “I loved you. With every fiber in my being, I loved you, and never wanted to live a life without you. The day we were supposed to leave, you came here, to this spot, in this room,” She chuckled sarcastically as she looked around her childhood bedroom. “And you told me that the decision was made too quickly, that it wasn’t right, that I needed to stay here. I grew to hate you for that, don’t you see? You made the decision for yourself, not for me.”

“I didn’t want you to resent me for bringing you to a small town where you wouldn’t have made a fourth of what you’re making now,”

“Oh my God,” She rolled her eyes. “It’s not about the fucking money, Christopher. I don’t care what I make, can’t you see that? Understand it? I never would have ever resented you for that, because I would’ve had you, and that would’ve made it worth it.”

“I didn’t,” Chris shook his head and dropped his gaze. “I didn’t think about it like that, I just, I didn’t want you to wake up one morning, living in a tiny apartment to go to your small town job with a resentment of the potential to do greater things. Look at you, Holland, my God. You went to Oxford, and Harvard, which is more than most people can dream about. Your mind is incredible, and has caused some powerful work to be done, you can’t deny that.”

Planting her hands on her hips firmly, she sighed and forced a smile. “You’re right. I had the amazing opportunity to attend two prestigious universities, where I was awarded with an education people can only dream of. I was offered a powerful position by the city, as well as with a consulting firm in DC because of what I can do and the power that I have. So, you’re right, because if I would’ve went with you, I wouldn’t have had that opportunity.” She chuckled sarcastically. “Oh, wait, yes I would have. Because did you realize that Boston is maybe a 30 minute drive? On a good day, I know, but that’s not really the point, is it? I could’ve done all of that, and still have went with you, but you didn’t give me the opportunity to tell you that. You made yourself believe that I would be stuck in a town without a way out, but the truth was, I already had an out. You just didn’t bother to ask. You just assumed that since I was following you, I would’ve made my life revolve around you. It surprised me, honestly, because I never imagined that _you_ would do such a selfish thing.”

Chris dropped to his knees. He was so caught up in attempting to do the right thing for her, that he simply just forgot to think. _What did I do_. His heart was beating so quickly inside his chest, he just knew that his death would be imminent. _How could I have let this happen_. His emotions were overtaken with grief - _He did this_ \- _He made this mess_ \- It was all so clear now, what he did to her, how he treated her, the mistakes that were made. He never wanted to believe that this was _all his fault_ \- and now, he saw it. He saw everything that he didn’t want to, and silently pleaded for the images to just disappear from his mindset.

Feeling the rush of guilt, Holland looked down at the sobbing man in front of her and fought with herself on simply what to do. She wanted to say, “Welcome to Hell,” and leave him sobbing by himself, but she knew that he would never do that to her. Obviously the man had never dealt with this before now, so three and a half years of pain, heartbreak, and resentment was only now coming to the surface.

Instead, she laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently, letting him know that she was still there and not planning on going anywhere, despite what her head was telling her. He needed her, and as much as she hated to admit it, she needed him too.

*****

Holland watched helplessly as the snow continued to fall onto the desolate street below her; her heart aching at the brief thought. Christopher loved the snow. _Loved_ , she chuckled, wondering if he still grew giddy with excitement over the planning of and playing in the snowstorms New England brought all winter long. She wondered if he had grown to hate them, like he did with her, or if he still kept a piece of his heart warm with the winter wonderland joy he felt as a young boy (and man).

Everything was so different now. She had hoped and prayed that when she first found out that Chris would be coming home more often, that their presence around each other would be easy and amicable. Yet, so far, all it brought was heartache and resentment. Heartache over the fact that she had to see this man, whom she loved, with a new woman; and resentment in the fact that she hated what he did to her, and couldn’t even begin to fathom the mere thought of forgiving him.

It was a heavy weight that was balancing on her heart: forgiveness and condemnation. Forgive him and live a life free of remorse; or condemn him and live a life full of hate. She always wanted to forgive him, as she could never truly imagine staying mad at him for this long, but she felt that in order to forgive him, her heart must be completely in it, and at this present moment, it was still shattered into a million pieces.

"I know that was hard for you to do," Bristol sat down next to her on the floor of Holland's bedroom, both their gazes settling on the floor to ceiling window, where the winter wonderland continued to pour from the sky. "He's taking it pretty hard."

A corner of Holland's mouth attempted to rise for a smile but quickly fell. "I didn't mean for it to happen like that, you know. He..." She shook her head slowly. "He just acts as if he did nothing wrong, and that just because a three and a half year span has fell between us, everything is okay again. And it's not." She wiped the few tears that had spread to her cheeks with a sigh. "It's just not okay."

"He knows that, Holland, trust me, he knows that everything is most definitely not okay." She let her hand fall to Holland's hand and gently squeezed it. "He's not trying to force you to forgive him, or be around him, or anything like that. It's just, this really needed to happen, as much as you didn't want it to."

She sniffled. "I know it did. I just didn't think that I would feel this bad after it happened. It's like my heart is broken all over again, you know?"

"You two have been through so much," Bristol smiled supportively at her. "And this is such a good start to get things smoothed over, as hard as it is to believe that."

"If only I could've had a little break between breaking up with Jase and attempting to reconcile with Chris. I mean, maybe I might have been a little more understanding,"

Bristol chuckled. "Life doesn't slow down for you, Kessler. You should be used to that by now."

"Yeah," Holland rolled her eyes. After a few moments of silence, she had the courage to speak again. "Does he still like the snow?"

"Oh, Holland. He never stopped loving the snow. He may not enjoy it as much as he used to, well, he doesn't enjoy a lot of things like he used to, but he still loves it."

She smiled and simply nodded her head. "I'm glad."

*****

“I’ve went through these past three years thinking that I did nothing wrong,” Chris chuckled to himself and took another sip of his beer.

“And now you finally see it.” Max leaned against the bar top next to him. “It’ll get worked out, Chris. I mean, this isn't exactly a situation that will be worked out in the next few days, obviously, but hopefully there will be some peace in it for both of you."

Chris chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Peace." He rolled the bottle in his hands after taking in the rest of the craft beer. "I feel like I failed her. That's not how I'm supposed to treat someone like her."

"No," Max shook his head slowly. "No, you're not. But, we live and we learn, Chris. I think we both know that if you push Holland one way or another, she's not going to like it, and she's going to do everything in her power to push back."

"That's the truth," Chris sighed and slid the empty bottle away from him. "I really fucked up, didn't I?"

Max breathed a heavy sigh and took another sip of his beer. "You did. But, we're human. We fall, we make mistakes, and hopefully we have the strength and courage to pick up the pieces and try again. That's all we can do." He patted him on the back heavily. "Let Holland have some time to cool off. You'll be a little more level headed as well, and hopefully, your next conversation won't be as emotionally taxing."

Chris ordered himself and Max another round of beers. “You know, I’m trying to figure this out in my head, and I just don’t know what else to do.” He crossed his arms across his chest tightly and sighed. “I’m not sure how much longer I can be with Mel. I thought being with her would ease my mind, but, it’s only done the complete opposite.”

“I know that she’s not Holland, but, let's face it: you aren't getting Holland any time soon, man. I know that's tough to deal with, but, the quicker you get that through your mind..."

"Yeah, yeah." Chris took the bottle of beer from the bartender and took a long sip. "That's not exactly what I needed to hear right now."

"And what do you think is honestly going to happen, Chris? That she's just going to come running back to you? It's been three and a half years since you left her here, with no word, just silence. She tried to get into a new relationship, and he tore her to pieces. Thank god he was stupid enough to get caught cheating on her, because otherwise she'd probably still be under his fucking spell." Max breathed a heavy, relieved sigh. "You just need to let her be, alright?"

"I'm trying to fucking let her be, Max. But everytime I'm around her, I can't think right. Words don't come out. I can't breathe. Everything just turns to mush and I don't fucking know how to act. I either want to take her in my arms and kiss her until we can't breathe or cry until my entire body is void of fluid or yell at her for being so damn stubborn."

Max took a long sip of his beer and turned to look at him. "Just don't rush it, alright? The more you're around her, the easier it'll be."

"If I could be around her every single day, I would."

Max chuckled. "She might have something to say about that."

"Ah, but she has something to say about everything!" Chris shook his head vivaciously. “Always has an opinion about something, always knows what’s right. She’s so…”

“You said it right, man. She’s stubborn. Trust me, I know, I’m her older brother.” He smiled over at him and took a sip of his beer. “And also trust me when I say, one day, we’ll all look back on this moment and be able to laugh about it.”

“Yeah,” Chris sighed heavily, shaking his head. “I hope you’re right.”

*****

“Have you heard from Holland at all?”

Chris shook his head slowly. “No, I mean, I haven’t even contacted her since we talked last. I wanted to give myself a chance to… I don’t know, catch up on my emotions and figure out what I need to say to her. I caught her off guard, I know that, so our discussion was just sort of…” He breathed a heavy sigh and took a sip of the glass of water in front of him. “Quick.”

Bristol smiled at him from across the table. “That’s a good idea.” She continued to pick at her caesar salad and finally threw the fork back onto the plate. “You know, that night, we were sitting in her room, watching the snowstorm through the window. And…” She pursed her lips tightly, knowing that Holland would never forgive her for revealing her private thoughts and words. “She wanted to know if you still loved the snow. I told her that you did, but, there are a lot of things you don’t enjoy as much anymore. That… that makes me worry about you, Chris. I may live with her, and I may be her best friend… but you’re still my brother, and I still worry about you. Constantly.”

“You don’t need to worry about me, B. I’m fine, I promise.” He forced yet another smile and took a sip of water. “No, the grass isn’t as green. No, the sky isn’t as blue. No, the Pats games aren’t as fun. She… she was like a little flame in my heart, lighting my world, and now, it’s dark.”

She pointed her finger at him sternly. “You need to tell her that.”

“Yeah,” He chuckled nervously. “I’ll get right on that.”

Bristol crossed her arms against her chest and leaned her elbows against the table. “I’m going to be honest here… I don’t like Mel.”

He laughed. “I know you don’t.”

“I also don’t like what you’re doing to her.”

“Noted.”

“Chris,” Her eyebrows raised onto her forehead as her voice lowered. “I’m serious. It’s not fair to her, and, she needs to know the truth. At least she needs to be aware of what she’s walking into when she comes for family dinner.”

“I know. And, just so you’re aware, I didn’t want her coming to family dinner. Mom asked her before I had a chance to intercept, and,”

“That’s not the point.” Bristol scoffed. “She doesn’t need to come back to family dinner if she doesn’t know the truth about what’s going on. It’s a delicate situation, you know that.”

“Alright, alright,” Chris leaned back into his chair with a sigh. “I get it. I’ll… talk to her, get her in on the whole story.”

Bristol smiled at him. “Good. Now pay for my lunch and I’ll see you next weekend.”

**__________________________________________________________**


	4. all we know is distance

**__________________________________________________________**

The small, brown package stared up at Holland in a menacing way - well, as menacing as a piece of mail could be - and in one split second, her heart dropped into her stomach. She had recognized the block print handwriting immediately and was left with an imminent choice tugging between her heart and mind.

This situation that the two former lovers had now found themselves in was supposed to be easy, simple, even liberating. Instead, it continued to eat at her in the worst way possible. She had assumed that once she saw him, spoke with him, even yelled at him, that it would somewhat ease the strain of the relationship. She had yet to forgive him, and honestly, that was the last thing on her mind, although she knew it would be a lot easier once she made that leap of faith.

Chris should’ve known that sending her a package - on Valentine's Day, nonetheless - only warranted feelings of deep regret and a harrowing sense of need; yet in his defense, he believed that it could bring a small sliver of progress to their dilemma. After all, he was only trying to do the only thing he knew how: move forward; keep one foot in front of the other; don’t look on the past or future.

_Just live in the present._

Jerking the package from the kitchen counter, Holland shoved it into her bag and made her way upstairs. After the day she had - it was a Thursday, after all - all she needed was a nice long shower and a night to herself. No one inquiring about her love life; no one staring at her with a watchful eye; no one giving her a sympathetic hug and glance.

One single night was all she asked for, and finally, she had just that.

*****

Bristol stepped through the doorway of Holland’s master suite quietly, one hand grasping her discarded heels and the other clutching the handles of a brown paper bag. “I know you said that you wanted a night alone, but, I felt guilty leaving you here, after that package showed up this afternoon.”

Holland smiled softly at her and pulled back the covers on the bed, inviting her into the warm and comfortable space with no second thought. “It’s alright…” She assured her with a smile. “Besides, it’s no fun watching terrible horror movies without someone to make fun of them with.”

“What are you watching now?” Bristol inquired as she wriggled her way into the blankets with a sigh. She pulled the bag between them and began to sort through the decadent leftovers.

“Uh, The Fall.”

“Okay, now, that is definitely not a terrible horror movie!” Bristol exclaimed as she pulled two containers from the bag, disregarding the empty sack onto the floor.

“Oh, I know.” Holland smiled at her, taking the container willingly. “I just can’t stop watching it. I mean, Jamie Dornan, hello…”

“Right?!” Bristol leaned back onto the fluffy white pillows. “He’s just a ball of deliciousness. And that beard…”

Holland opened the container quickly and took a bite of the baked macaroni and cheese, softly moaning at the deliciousness that invaded her mouth. “Have I thanked you for going to Bennett’s? I mean, this food, I just…”

Bristol chuckled. “You talk about food the way I talk about men…. some people would think that’s a problem.”

“I’m so glad that you’re not some people. I mean, come on, I think we both know I feel the same about food and, uh, certain men.” Holland took another bite and closed her eyes, enjoying the taste much more than she probably should be. “And, yes, you’re right. Dornan is just… sex on a stick. That beard, those eyes… mmmm.”

Bristol remained silent as she watched Holland devour the food, attempting to wait for the perfect time to bring up the package. She knew it was technically none of her business but her curiosity was eating her alive - Holland seemed to be okay, so obviously it was nothing detrimental, but…

“Bristol.” Holland kept an eyebrow raised as she glanced over at Bristol, whose gaze was strictly on her. “Stop staring at me.”

“Sorry. I, uh,” Bristol sighed, shaking her head quickly to dispel the ever occurrent thoughts. Well, now was about a good time as any… “What did he send you?”

“Hmm?” Holland furrowed her brows tightly at the interrogation, setting the now empty container down on the nightstand beside the bed.

Bristol chuckled. “I saw the package for you when I got home from work, and, it’s not there anymore, so I know that you’ve seen it…”

“Oh.” Holland shrugged nervously, her tone changing as she attempted to find the words (and courage) to lie, but she quickly forced out the truth, as Bristol always _just knew_. “It was one of my books. I, I thought that I had lost it, but apparently he’s had it all this time.” She didn’t want to admit why the book meant so much to her, as it seemed that the answer to all of her problems and thoughts always settled on Christopher, no matter how hard she tried it not to.

Bristol rolled her eyes. “A book? How romantic.”

“It wasn’t meant to be romantic,” Holland spat, dropping her gaze to her now clasped hands. “At least, I don’t know, maybe it was…”

“I know that I’m going to regret this, but, what book was it?”

“The Conduct of Life. It’s a collection of essays by Ralph Waldo Emerson, where he talks about how one should live their life touching on subjects like wealth, power, and behavior. It’s actually quite…” She looked over at Bristol and smiled, noticing the discontent settling in her eyes. “I just really needed that book, you know? Especially now, it just, it means a lot.”

“Well, I’m sure he knew that, considering he knows everything about you.” Bristol smiled at her supportively, and breathed a deep sigh. “Now that that's over with…” She chuckled, winking at her. “I think _this_ situation calls for ice cream.”

Holland’s eyebrows furrowed slightly. “And what situation would that be?”

"Well..." Bristol chuckled. "This awfully awkward fake relationship that we seem to be having with Jamie Dornan." 

"Ah! Yes." Holland raised her eyebrows and chuckled. "That situation always calls for ice cream, my friend." 

*****

“It’s Friday night, Kessler. Don’t you have plans?”

Holland averted her gaze from the stack of files on her desk to her co-worker, watching as he stood in the doorway of her office, pulling on his coat. She chuckled as she leaned back into the leather chair, shaking her head furiously. “Nope, and, right now, that’s the way I prefer it.”

He shook his head from side to side, a small grin pulling on the corner of his lips. “Alright, well, try to have a good night. I’ll see you Monday.”

Holland smiled at him sweetly and nodded her head, secretly wanting to roll her eyes at the bogus accusation. Sure, he was just being kind, but today… she wasn’t in the mood for kind. No, she didn’t have plans for a Friday night, and honestly, she didn’t WANT any plans for a Friday night anytime soon.

Unless it involved tequila, as there was no way that she could _ever_ say no to tequila…

The cell phone buzzed against her desk, and after glancing at the caller id, her heart stopped. _Christopher_. She hadn’t spoke to him since their, erhm, discussion, and for just a moment had a lapse in judgement - should she even answer his call? Honestly, she didn’t even know right from wrong in times like this…

Before the call had a chance to be ignored and sent to voicemail, she quickly grabbed the phone and answered it.

“Hello,”

“Holland,” Chris breathed reassuringly into the phone, closing his eyes tightly as her voice lulled through the speaker.

Holland froze. “Christopher,” She honestly didn’t expect for his voice - that one word, her name - to have such a deepening effect.

“Thanks for, uh, picking up.” He paused before continuing. “Look, I need a favor. I know it’s late, and I know you probably have plans tonight, but,”

She could tell by the strain in his voice and the lump beginning to form in his throat that something was wrong, and regardless of how she may have felt for him at the time, she couldn’t stand to think that he was in trouble. “What’s the matter, Christopher?” _This was going to be interesting…_

“I,” He released a pent up sigh and continued. “Mel and I were coming down for the weekend, we got into a huge fight, and she left me on the side of the road at this diner, Mary’s, off 3A.”

Holland took a deep breath in an effort to control the anxiety that began to rise from her chest. _Surely he wasn’t thinking what she thought he was thinking…_ “Alright,” _  
_

“And, well, I’d really appreciate it if you could come pick me up.”

She glanced at the clock on her desk. “And I take it everyone else already had plans?” The last thing she wanted to do was to leave him stranded somewhere… but she knew that if it were her in the same situation, he would not have even hesitated to come to her rescue.

He paused. “I didn’t call anyone else. I knew that they would just… ask questions that I didn’t want to answer.”

She nodded her head slowly. “I… can understand that.” She glanced at the clock again and sighed. “I can be there in 45 minutes.”

*****

Holland quickly pulled the black Burberry pleated coat onto her shoulders as she peeled herself out of the front seat of her car, dreading the cold, dreading the way her black stilettos pinched against her pinky toe, dreading the pit in her stomach as she imagined what awaited her in this tiny establishment.

The pros and cons list that invaded her mind continued to be tallied against, despite the fact that she had already made the decision to rescue him. There was no way that she was going to leave him out there, and he knew that. Now, whether he was attempting to be sincere or not, she honestly didn’t know, and at this point… didn’t really care.

As she pulled the door open and stepped into the entryway, she scanned the scattered tables and booths for his silhouette and spotted him immediately. His head, his shoulders, his back… she could somehow always pick him out of a room with a thousand different faceless men.

It was a daunting task making her way down the long aisle, wondering what she was going to say, how she was going to handle his presence, what she was going to do. Her courage surprised even herself as she slid into the booth, resting her elbows against the bright sunflower yellow tabletop.

“Well, you're off to a fantastic weekend, aren’t you?”

Chris chuckled sarcastically. “Yeah, as you can see,” He took another bite of the blackberry pie that rested in front of him and sighed, still not having the courage - or guts - to even look at her. Yes, he was thankful that she answered, and yes, he was even more thankful that she agreed to come and rescue him… but he was terrified to even be around her.

Those feelings, those certain, mind numbing, toe tingling feelings continued to pester him to no avail as his eyes found her. His heart grew weak, and his mind... his mind continued to think about her in every single situation possible, and no matter what he did or what prayer he murmured, he never found relief. 

The waitress came to the table, checking on Chris, with Holland ordering a cup of coffee - or was that a mistake? Did he want to leave immediately? Would he take her ordering a beverage a sign that she actually wanted to stay? Because she did want to stay, enjoy his company, as well as the quiet… but she didn’t want him to know that.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She pressed her fingertips against the edge of his plate, slowly dragging it towards her. “Or are you just going to pretend that nothing happened?” She took the fork to her right and took a bite of the pie - she was starving, after all.

He sighed heavily, bringing both hands to the back of his neck, gripping it tightly, and finally running his fingertips through his hair. “It’s so stupid,” He rolled his eyes and leaned his head back. “She asks for the truth, I give her the truth, and she gets mad.” He dropped his hands onto the table, running his fingertips across the smooth laminate in circles. “No matter what I do, no matter what I say, she gets mad.”

Holland nodded her head slowly and took another bite of pie. “Maybe she’s looking for something that's not there… hoping that each time she asks you, the answer will be what she wants to hear… but deep down inside, knowing that it's never going to be what she needs. Or wants.” She rolled her eyes at the irony of the situation.

He smiled at her, finally bringing his icy stare to hers. “Sounds like you have some experience with that topic,”

“Something like that.” She shrugged her shoulders as she finished off the pie, sliding the plate back over to him.

The waitress brought two more cups of coffee along with two more pieces of pie. This time, a strawberry rhubarb and blueberry awaited them.

“So, why did you call me?”

He shrugged his shoulders as he struggled to find the words. “I don’t know, really. I just kind of knew that you wouldn’t ask questions… or judge the situation.”

She shook her head slowly. “Yeah,” She took the piece of blueberry pie and placed it in front of her. “I get it.” She continued devouring the piece of heavenly goodness in silence, honestly enjoying how good it felt to be around someone who didn’t feel the need to have to speak every five seconds.

“Long day?” He glanced at the empty plate in front of her and finally back to her, smiling softly.

She took the piece of strawberry rhubarb and caught his stare. “Very.” She dipped her fork into the second piece and sighed. “You can talk to me about it, I mean, I know you want to.”

Chris hesitated. “It… was about you. She picked up on the tension at the last family dinner, and she accused me and you of sleeping together while I was with… her.”

Holland chuckled. “Yeah. No.”

“That’s what I said, but she didn’t believe me. So, I took Bristol’s advice, and told her everything. Which resulted in me getting thrown out of a practically moving vehicle onto the side of 3A.”

With an eyebrow cocked high on her forehead, Holland attempted to hide the smirk that slowly began curling onto her lips. “So… you know that Bristol doesn’t like her, right?”

He nodded his head slowly.

“And… you took Bristol’s advice of telling your girlfriend… everything?”

He continued to furrow his brows at her question, finally realizing after a few moments what she was putting together. “Oh God,” He sighed heavily, dropping his head. “Why do I listen to her?”

_Of course_ Bristol was going to try and throw more drama into their relationship...

Holland chuckled. “Because she’s very persuasive. Trust me. It’s happened, countless times, to everyone in the family. You just happen to be the latest victim.”

“So… I shouldn’t have told Mel about what went on between you and me?” He inquired as he crossed his arms across his chest tightly. He didn’t want to get angry about what had happened, as he was just telling the truth, something that he promised himself that he would always do after what happened with Holland.

“Well, that’s your decision, I’m not here to tell you what you should or shouldn’t have done.”

“Did you tell Jase?”

The simple question halted every thought in her mind. “Uh, well,” She furrowed her brows tightly. “I never really felt completely comfortable opening up to him, so, he knew parts of what happened between us, but… let’s just say, he didn’t know everything.”

“And was that because you didn’t want him to know or because he wouldn’t understand?”

“Well, as I said, I didn’t exactly feel completely comfortable opening up to him. Why, I’ll never know, I just…” She forced a smile. “And, let’s be honest, some things are just… better… being kept inside.”

He started to speak but instead nodded his head and pursed his lips together tightly. Finally, after a few minutes of uncomplicated, perfectly acceptable silence, he spoke. “Did you, um, get the book?”

She smiled at him. “I did, thank you. I had been looking for it everywhere, and was meaning to pick up another copy, but…”

“Yeah, I found it stuck behind a bookcase.”

She once again failed miserably at attempting to hide her smile. “That’s a lie and you know it. The pages were not only marked but noticeably worn… and I never mark my pages.”

He narrowed his eyes at her and smiled. “You can always tell when I’m lying, Kessler.”

“I’m a lawyer. It comes naturally.”

He chuckled. “Right, of course. Now. I think you’ve had enough pie for the night. Do you mind taking me to my mom’s?”

“Of course not. But, I think we should bring her back some pie.”

He laughed. “I thought we were done with the pie conversation.”

She cocked an eyebrow on her forehead and rolled her eyes. “I’m never done with pie.”

*****

Chris followed Holland into the back door of his mom’s house, silently praying that she wouldn’t read too much into what she was about to witness. He knew that his mother thought of Holland like another daughter, and really didn’t want to get into why this situation happened and what was really going on - because honestly, he himself had no idea anymore.

“Holland!” Lisa greeted her excitedly, giving her a large hug. “What are you doing here? Not that I don’t want you here, of course, but,” She raised her eyebrows as she noticed Chris trailing behind her. “Christopher, I’ve been trying to call you, what happened?”

He smiled sheepishly. “My phone died, and, well, it’s just been a crazy evening.” He gave his mother a hug and handed her a white box. “Here, uh. it’s a blueberry pie.”

Holland glanced over at Chris, eager to tell him that he definitely could’ve used her phone, but realized after his gaze pleaded with hers to remain silent, he just didn’t want to ruin their moment.

“Well, come in, come in, both of you.” She guided them towards the dining room, where she opened the box, gazing at the dessert with a smile. “Would you like a piece?”

“No, please,” Holland held up her hands quickly.

“Yeah, she’s probably already had like six pieces of pie.” Chris smiled at her as he sat down in the chair across from her.

“It was two and a half,” Holland spat, narrowing her eyes playfully.

Chris chuckled. “Right, same thing.” He clasped his hands together tightly and laid them on the table in front of him.

“Then we’ll save it for later.” Lisa smiled as she secured the lid back on the box. “So, Christopher, tell me what happened."

“Well, uh, Mel and I were on our way down here when we got into a huge fight. She pulled over on the side of the road, told me to get my stuff and get out. Thankfully, she pulled into a wonderful little diner, which is where this one here,” He smiled as he pointed towards Holland. “Rescued me from a night of despair.”

“Which is why you couldn’t call your mother,” Lisa chuckled, rolling her eyes playfully. “But, it’s alright… as long as you’re safe, that’s all that matters.”

“Thanks to her, yes.”

Lisa glanced over at Holland and smiled. “I’m going to assume that you two… don’t want to talk any more about this?”

Chris and Holland both nodded their heads slowly.  _Please not now._

“Well then! Are you two hungry? I can make you something to eat,”

“I, myself, would enjoy something with not so much sugar,” Holland smiled at Lisa as she rose from the table. “As long as it’s no trouble.”

“Oh, sweetheart, you are anything but trouble.” Lisa made her way into the kitchen, already knowing that Christopher would eat whatever she put in front of him.

“Thank you,” Chris’ tone was soft and forgiving as he gazed across the table, connecting with the set of blue eyes he’d always dreamed of. “For, everything.” He smiled at Holland as if it were the first time he had seen her, his eyes wide and glistening with pure joy.

Holland swore that her heart stopped inside her chest as she looked over at him. Those bright blue eyes, those pink plumped lips, those soft worry lines covering his forehead… once again, her heart had failed her and all she could do was force a smile through the tears beginning to penetrate her eyes. “That’s what I’m here for, Christopher.”

*****

As Chris laid in bed that night, he continued to toss and turn against the sheets that used to bring him a tranquil comfort, but tonight only brought heartache, and as the night and early morning trailed on, he knew he had to do something. He grabbed his phone from the table beside the bed and quickly wrote out a text - then cleared the screen, then rewrote it, and finally, after much hesitation, he sent it.

_I can’t help but to feel like I’ve been the biggest dick on the planet._

Holland chuckled to herself as the text popped up on the screen of her phone, interrupting her almost complete level of plants vs zombies. _Well…_

_Go ahead. Say it._ Chris sighed heavily as he twirled the phone around between his hands nervously, not really sure what to expect from her anymore.

_You’ve been the biggest dick on the planet._ After a few seconds, she felt guilty and quickly added, _But I’m not saying that I haven’t been guilty as well_. She knew that she shouldn’t be feeling that way, but her honesty always came with a certain sense of compassion she couldn’t quite control.

Chris scoffed. _You? Please tell me what you’ve done that pulls you down to my level of ultimate fuck-ups._

_I wasn’t completely honest with you. I could’ve said, ‘hey, by the way, I can commute back and forth, no big deal’... but I let you take the fall._ Holland always wondered what life would have been like if she would’ve just fought back instead of giving in to his decision. Would they be together? Would they have strayed apart? It honestly couldn’t be worse than what it was right now…

_To be honest, Holland, I didn’t give you a chance to say much of anything. Before I stepped into that room, I knew what I had to do, and believe me, it wasn’t easy_. Chris remembered that day as if it was yesterday; from how the roses smelled as they sat on her dresser, how the skirt of her dress hit that certain spot on her thighs, how her skin felt against his as he hugged her for the last time.

Holland shook her head furiously in an attempt to drown out the memories that began to plague her mind - that day, that moment, those words. _I know, Christopher. You had to do what you thought was right, and I respect that, as much as it hurts to admit. I know your heart and I know how you feel and I know how you treat people; so me telling you that you only thought about yourself was a lie I made up out of anger and as a way to help me cope._

_I’m sorry. I feel like I could try and apologize for the next fifty years and never be able to make it up to you._

_You don’t need to make it up to me… Everything happens for a reason, Christopher, and although we may not understand it now, someday we will._

Chris smiled to himself as he read the text over and over again. Here she was, typical Holland, saying the things that she knew he needed to hear. She always knew what to say, and it always seemed to dumbfound him. _But do you forgive me?_

Holland averted her gaze from the phone in her hand, not quite wanting to be faced with such a question at nearly three o’clock in the morning. All she knew was that she was just so tired of fighting it, and with a heavy sigh, she let her fingertip press against the three keys before quickly sending to avoid any error in judgement. _Yes._

**__________________________________________________________**


	5. we're close and then we run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: expletive language ahead.  
> comments and/or suggestions always welcome! :)  
> enjoy!

 

**__________________________________________________________**

The last place Holland Kessler wanted to be was on a blind date with a man she didn’t even know; yet here she sat, watching as the tall, dark and handsome stranger inspected the wine list with a watchful eye. He complained that they never kept the wine he enjoyed in stock - a 2008 Chateau Montelena - so instead ordered a bottle of… something red, she assumed. Making a mental note of his abrasiveness, Holland breathed a deep sigh and wondered if he was going to try to order her dinner for her too.

And what was his name again - Barry? Brad? Brian? She continued sorting through the names in her mind, half tempted to send Bristol a text reminding her before she made a complete fool of herself. Taking into consideration that he had barely said two words to her after his welcoming reception, _‘Ah, a blonde, Bristol must know me well!’_ ; she began to understand _why_ he was single. Even though Bristol had reassured her that he was a ‘kind and gentle soul, who loved others more than himself’, she was even MORE tempted to send her a nice little text calling her out on her own bullshit…

“So, Holland,” From those two words, she knew that he was born and bred in the great state of Massachusetts. “How are you enjoying your evening? This is one of my favorite restaurants, so I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.”

Taking a moment to compose herself, she took a deep breath before she allowed herself to answer. “It’s wonderful so far, thank you,” She replied, forcing a smile. Of course this was one of his favorite restaurants, as he didn’t even bother to find out what kind of food she enjoyed - and hint hint: it wasn’t French.

“Good. I was afraid I’ve already offended you in some way.” He could barely look her in the eyes, and instead focused on her chest.

Holland wanted to roll her eyes - him? Offensive? No… “I apologize. I’m in my head a lot,” She tapped her index finger against her temple lightly. “So I tend to be quiet, even at times when it’s rude to be.”

“I have to be honest with you, here.” His words were practically imposing on the last few seconds of her sentence, proving that he wasn’t even listening to what she was saying in the first place. _Typical_.

Even though she wanted nothing to do with the man, the statement pitted a drop in her stomach. _Here it comes…_

“I work odd hours, am constantly going over documents and situations for the next day in my head, planning meetings and phone calls. It’s a terrible habit, I know, but I value my job over anything else in my life. I just have to get that out the way, you know? Most women don’t understand the power that comes along with a position such as this.” His smug smile that was plastered on his face made her want to vomit - power? Really? You’re over loan operations for a bank, it’s not as if you’re the controller or CEO.

Holland nodded her head slowly, a smile spreading onto her lips. Thankfully, the waiter had brought their wine and poured the glasses quickly - as if already knowing that it was needed for the night to continue. “Yes, I’m highly familiar with,”

“Yeah, Bristol told me that you value your career over your own life.” He nodded his head intently, unforgiving of his ruthless interruptions.

She shrugged nervously. “I wouldn’t exactly say that… Just that I enjoy my career on a very deep level.”

“And what do you do again? She mentioned the courthouse, but of course, that could be anything.”

Raising her eyebrows high on her forehead, once again, she wanted to roll her eyes and scoff at the accusation. “I’m a lawyer... An ADA for the city of Boston.”

“Right,” He continued nodding his head. “That’s so…”

Usually, people would complete that sentence with words such as interesting, or powerful, or impressive… _but this guy_ …

“That’s so cute,” He replied, smiling at her as if she saved the lives of baby butterflies or played with puppies all day long.

_No._ She’s a ruthless, determined, sharp human being who always tried her damnedest to put the bad guys in jail. And to not get the respect she deserved… well…

“Cute?” She repeated the word, unsure if he had really said it, or that she had simply misunderstood him.

“Yes, cute. Women in high profile jobs… it’s cute.” He leaned his elbows onto the table, a trait she had always hated, and continued. “I’m a very honest man, Holland. I don’t have time to lie or bullshit my way around, I don’t have times for games, and am quite competitive at everything I do. I don’t feel as if I’m the best catch around, but, I’m willing to bet that you’ll give me the chance to be with you.”

Taking the wine glass in her hand and bringing it to her lips, she let the dark red nectar pour past her lips and quickly swallowed. “And why is that?”

“Because you’ve been hurt. You can’t handle the stress of a typical relationship, the bullshitting, the romanticism, the unknowing. Although I don’t know everything about you, I do know that your heart is broken and you’re trying to mend your life back into something promising.”

“Bristol has told you more about me than either one of you wanted to admit, hmm?” She chuckled, setting the wine glass back down on the table.

“Yes, she may have,” He smiled at her. “But, I’m not going to promise you stories of romantic getaways and rooftop dates underneath the stars. I’m going to promise you one thing, though, and that I can always give you.”

She nodded her head slowly. _This should be interesting_... “And what is that?”

“Reality.”

“Reality?” She repeated, taking another sip of wine - this time, it was a bit larger than the last.

“I’m sorry, do you have trouble hearing, or…?”

Holland pulled yet another fake smile onto her lips. “Um, no, you’re just the biggest douchebag I’ve ever met, so when I’m repeating the words you just said, I’m merely giving you an opportunity to change said words or elaborate on why you feel that way.”

“Wow,” He scoffed, raising his eyebrows slightly.

She practically inhaled the remaining wine in her glass and grabbed her bag from the table. “Thanks for the wine, Brian.”

“It’s Brady!” He scoffed, crossing his arms against his chest. At least she knew of one thing that seemed to offend him.

That’s right, _Brady_. She winced. “Apologies, Brady. But I’m afraid I’m not feeling so well all of a sudden,” She stood from her chair. “So you’ll understand if I’ll have to excuse myself from this evening, and kindly ask that you never call me again.”

The look on his face was priceless - utter shock, complete dismay, and a tad bit of weakness. She didn’t always enjoy putting men in their place - but when they deserved it… she just couldn’t help herself.

 

*****

 

Mel couldn’t remember how long she had been standing in front of the sliding glass doors; all she knew was that she had to do this now before she talked herself out of it for the third time this week. She was tired of making excuses, for not only their relationship but the actions they both seemed to carry when they were around each other.

Finally gathering the courage to open the doorway separating the back porch from the dining room of Chris’ cabin, she forced herself to make the heartbreaking leap. The first time she opened her mouth nothing came out, and for just a moment, she wondered if she could actually do it.

“I can’t do this anymore.” She was pleasantly surprised as the words fell from her lips and a surge of relief poured through her veins.

Chris dropped the bottle of beer from his lips and set it on the arm of the adirondack chair he sat in, his gaze never lessening on the view in front of him. This view - the rolling hills, the spindly branches of the naked trees, the prestigious snow topped mountain peaks - there was nothing like it. He always envied the trees in the winter, stripped bare with nothing to hide their secrets…

“Can’t do what anymore?” He winced as the words fell from his lips, expecting a sharp retort regarding his constant state of avoidance.

“Be with you, Chris. I just can't do it anymore.” She crossed her arms against her chest and adjusted her stance, expecting him to stand up and face her, but deep down inside, she knew that he wouldn’t have the courage… at least not yet.

“I’m sorry that you feel that way,” He pressed the bottle of beer to his lips and took another sip of the sweet nectar, attempting to connect him to a far away world.

She took a deep breath. “No, you’re not.”

He stifled a laugh - she did know him better than he thought she did. “I told you in the beginning, Mel. This was not going to turn out how you expected it to.”

“I know, and, you’re right.” She dropped her arms to her sides, slipping them into the pockets of her parka. “Typical woman, wants to fix the broken man.” She scoffed. “But, I’m not the woman who can do that.”

Chris rose from the chair slowly, turning towards her with an apologetic smile. “No, you aren’t,”

She chuckled. “You two,” She sighed, shaking her head slowly. “The way you look at each other, it’s, astonishing, actually.”

“Yeah,” He furrowed his brows as the sigh fell from his lips. He took another sip of his beer and lowered it back down to his side, his thumb tracing the ridges on the top of the bottle. "I wanted this to work, Mel. I know you don't believe me, but you have to just trust me - it's just not the way I wanted it to end."

She chuckled. “You know, I really hope you figure this whole thing out. What you want in life, and what you have to do to get it. Because moping around like you have been… it’s really not good for you.”

He nodded his head slowly. “I’m trying; I just, I don’t know what to do.”

“Life isn’t fair, and it’s definitely not going to just tell you what to do… It’ll come to you, with time.” She forced a smile, letting a few more seconds pass before continuing. “Goodbye, Chris.”

“Goodbye, Mel.”

 

*****

 

“I always hate this time of the year.” Bristol murmured as she slipped the jacket from her torso carefully and hung it on the coat rack by the door. The water droplets continued to fall and drop against the outdoor rug of the Kessler's mud room with each movement she made. “Not only is it raining, but the temperature… ugh, can we say miserable! Did you know that it was fifty-one degrees yesterday? FIFTY ONE! And today? THIRTY! Come on now, that’s not really fair, is it?”

Max Kessler glanced over at Holland and smiled at her before quickly checking on the pancake cooking on the pan in front of him. “I woke up this morning and my phone said it was twenty degrees. Honestly, I almost called in just so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. That fifty degrees was the biggest tease…" He replied, flipping the pancake and welcoming Bristol into the kitchen with a smile.

After preparing herself a cup of coffee, Bristol finally settled into the seat at the bar next to Holland. "Sounds like Holland this morning... And I'll admit, me too."

Max pulled the golden brown pancake from the cast iron pan and laid it on a plate, sliding it over to his younger sister with an innocent wink.

"Are you two planning on staying the night over here?” Bristol inquired, taking a sip of coffee and sighing in relief at the warmth flowing through her soul.

The two siblings simply shrugged, with Max pouring another pancake into the pan and Holland dressing the pancake with butter and maple syrup. They were both truly in a mood all their own.

"I don’t know, Bristol…” Max sighed. "We might watch a movie after this."

Their attention was turned towards the mudroom yet again, where another set of footsteps arrived through the threshold. "That weather out there is ridiculous." Chris groaned, wiping the slick from his palms against his khakis. "Someone please tell me it's going to level out soon,"

Bristol chuckled, shaking her head slowly. "I swear, we are not being reduced to talking about the weather…"

"Apparently, that's what adults do," Max replied, chuckling softly. "But my God, when did we become adults? That's what unreal about the whole situation..."

Chris laughed as he poured himself a cup of coffee. “First, I think we need to define the word adult, because not all of us here can fit in that category.”

“Oh, ha ha.” Max rolled his eyes as Chris pointed to him with his eyebrows raised. “What are you doing here, anyways? Shouldn’t you be back home, you know, getting ready for the work week?”

Chris shook his head slowly as he leaned up against the countertop, stealing a soft glance over at Holland. "We’re delayed for a few days, on account of this weather… so I thought I’d take some time off and just… relax."

Max chuckled. "I think we all had the same idea, hmm?" He nodded towards his younger sister, still calmly devouring the pancake in front of her.

"You know, this would be so much better with bacon." Holland stated, raising an eyebrow at Max's words. Although it was true that she had forgiven Chris and was attempting to move past everything, she still saw him as a hurdle she hadn’t yet been able to jump. And now, being with him in an area so confined, she didn’t know how to even speak or look at him without giving everyone the wrong idea.

"Really? Well," Max pulled a cookie sheet out from the oven, full of bacon. "Anything for you, princess."

Holland gave a curt nod, smiling as he passed some off along on her plate. "You’re goddamned right."

"You are in some mood, aren’t you?" Max furrowed his brows as he flipped the pancake and looked over at Bristol. “You want one?”

Bristol shook her head. “No, I had some more lasagna after you guys left.”

“What about you? I mean, this one can only eat so much…” Max chuckled, nodding his head toward his little sister. 

Chris smiled. "Yeah, thanks, I’m always up for pancakes." He slid up onto the counter and breathed a heavy sigh. “So what’s going on with you three, hmm? Never once have I seen you all so quiet.”

Max pointed his spatula towards Holland. “She had to work with Jase the last few days on a case, and then to top it all off, probably had the worst blind date in history.” He sighed again and switched his position to point at Bristol. “And she is in trouble for sending that one on said blind date.”

“Yes, as you can see, we’re all just… lovely to be around,” Holland joked, rolling her eyes.

“Trust me… the mood fits all around,” Chris mumbled, dropping his gaze to the floor.

Of course _everyone_ had _something_ to say about the split between him and Mel; and of course they just couldn’t help but to remind him that yet another relationship of his had failed. He knew it was coming: the words, the jokes, and quite frankly, the truth. It was hard enough to admit it to himself, but to his family… that’s where he knew he would just become something else to laugh at. Failed relationships, the inability to commit, the loss of proper communication… why wouldn’t he be the joke of the family?

“Sit down,” Max suggested, nodding his head towards the empty bar stool beside Bristol. “We’ll eat, we’ll drink some wine, we’ll watch a movie… you know, like, old times,”

Chris smiled. “Yeah… like old times.”

 

*****

 

“So,” Chris whispered, stretching his arm across the back of the couch. “You, uh, went on a blind date?”

Holland turned towards him and smiled. “And I’ll never do it again.”

“That’s good to know.” He chuckled, sighing softly as she redirected her concern to the movie playing on the screen in front of them. He ached to grab her attention again, speak to her, listen to her woes; as just being in the same vicinity together made him want to never leave again.

“Isn’t it hilarious how everyone comments on the blind date rather than asking how it was to work with my cheating ex again?” Her breath caught quite drastically in her throat as as she turned towards him yet again. She had forgotten how pink and perfectly plump his lips always seemed to be, regardless if he had been biting them nervously or sunburnt from a day on the lake.

He shifted his gaze to the floor, unsettled by the fact that he was more worried about her dating rather than her emotional health. “So… how was it? Working with him?”

Shrugging her shoulders gently, she forced a smile and replied, “As well as you think it would’ve gone.”

“Is that why you’ve decided to take some time off?”

She smiled softly and chuckled. “Something like that.”

As he readjusted himself in the corner of the couch, he felt as if he were being drawn to her in such a way that he almost couldn’t control it. He watched her, wrapped up in a blanket, her knees folded underneath her, her hair tossed together in a messy ponytail; and all he wanted was to wrap his arms around her and feel that heroic sense of gratification as her head hit his chest.

“Are you, um, staying here tonight?” Chris glanced around the Kessler’s basement, reminiscent of the many nights they all used to spend down there… watching movies, playing games, listening to music. Those times were the best they ever had, and more importantly, it was what made him fall in love with her in the first place.

“Well, Bristol and I came over to your moms together, and since she’s already left for the night… I’ll probably just… stay here for a little while.” She leaned her head back against the couch and breathed a deep sigh. “You know what they say anyways… sometimes all you need is some time at your parents house.”

“Do they really say that?” He inquired with a smile, furrowing his eyebrows playfully.

“I don’t know,” She chuckled. “But it sounds like something people would say.”

He smiled as she continued to laugh, the smile adorning her face drove him to take a deep breath to keep from doing something they would both probably regret. He licked his lips nervously. “It does,” He chuckled, nodding his head slowly. “Um, you know, I can take you back to your place if you want.”

“Thank you, Christopher.” She let a sigh fall from her lips and brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. “It means a lot, you know. For you to… offer.”

“I’d do anything for you, Kessler.”

A warm smile pulled on the corners of her lips. “Is that a promise?”

“Cross my heart,”

 

**__________________________________________________________**


	6. kiss away the difference

** __________________________________________________________ **

The single chime of the doorbell stirred him from the deepest of sleep. Usually, Chris was the heaviest sleeper around, as it was commonly joked that he could sleep through a hurricane, only to wake up wondering what’s for breakfast.

Instead, on this early Wednesday morning, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and grudgingly pulled himself out of the warm, comforting sheets. He made his way down the foyer, grumbling about how he could’ve had at least 15 more minutes of bliss before having his alarm rudely jar him awake.

And there she was. Standing on his doorstep, with bewilderment in her eyes and confusion in her stance, Holland Kessler ran to the only thing that made sense in this world. It had been a month since they had seen each other, each trying to navigate through their own course of life, but was brought back together to no avail.

“Holland, what are you doing here?!” Chris, of course, welcomed her with open arms, quickly pulling her inside the cabin and shutting the door behind her.

Shaking her head slowly, Holland attempted to hold the tears back, unable to meet his penetrating gaze. “I’m sorry, I know it’s early, but,”

“Don’t apologize, Kessler… just tell me what’s wrong.” He was already concerned at the reason, as she wouldn’t drive this far to see him this early for no reason.

As the tears finally spilled onto her cheeks, she looked up at him, her heart dropping inside her chest as his welcoming gaze consumed every part of her. “I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

Pressing his hands to her face, he wiped the tears from her cheeks with the tips of his thumbs. “You know that you can always come to me,”

Furrowing her brows softly, she breathed a shaky sigh. “I know. That’s why I came. I just… couldn’t sleep last night, and,”

He smiled at her as her voice faded off, along with her gaze. “Come here,” He took ahold of her hand, pulling her towards the kitchen. “Sit,” He pointed at the leather bar stool tucked underneath the bar of the island and began to prepare the tea kettle.

As he turned the gas stove on, he sat the kettle on the rear burner and turned towards her, pressing his palms against the cool granite countertop. “Now. Tell me what’s wrong,” His bright blue sleepy eyes, already troubled with her worries, begged her to tell him anything and everything that was on her mind.

“It's so…” She trailed off, shaking her head slowly. “I'm in my office all the time, you know? All hours of the morning, day, or night, you can find me there; working hard, tracking down witnesses, sorting through evidence, researching trials. I do everything for these guys, and still, I keep getting ignored and passed over.” She scoffed, dropping her gaze to her hands. “So I go in to my boss' office, tell him I'm not happy, tell him that I deserve more, prove how I deserve it, and, he tells me that I just don't have what it takes. That because I'm a woman, I get too emotional over cases, and that I think I deserve things I haven't worked hard enough for.”

“I felt... Defeated.” She admitted, shaking her head slowly, as if still trying to process the words. “I mean, is this what I've worked so hard for? To be told that I'm too emotional? That I can't handle it?” She wiped the tears that fell onto her cheeks with a chuckle. “As I'm sitting here crying. How typical, right?” She scoffed.

Chris chuckled, shaking his head slowly. “Holland... What did you do?”

“I…” She trailed off, grimacing. “I told him off. Completely. My freaking boss, can you believe that?” She sighed. “I told him how hard I worked, exactly what I did, what I thought about the other ADA's, the ones whom he believes are miracle workers... I told them how much of their work I do... I told him everything, most of which I shouldn't have, I know, but…” She looked up at him and smiled softly. “We... Decided to... Part ways. He left me with a very generous severance package though, complete with my paid time off I had accrued… So that’s something, right?”

“I wish I could've been there to see that.”

“Yeah, no. I got home, sat in the shower, and kept thinking... What did I do?!”

“You did the right thing.” Chris piped up, taking the tea kettle from the stove and setting it on a cool burner. He found two ceramic mugs and placed a tea bag in the bottom of each. “That guy was never going to give you what you deserved, even with as hard as you worked or how many cases you won.” He poured the steaming water into the cups with a sigh. “What did your parents say?”

“Well, they want me to be happy, but they also feel like I've made this huge mistake. As if I'll never get another job again,” She cut her eyes to the mug as he continued to prepare it just the way she liked it - with a splash of milk and a tiny pinch of sugar. “I just… I was so upset that I couldn’t even bring myself to tell them that I had another job offer.”

He chuckled, sliding the mug over to her slowly. “Of course you do.”

She scrunched her nose tightly. “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

“I mean, I'm sure they're worried about how you'll fare, but they should know that you never take a step without having five different scenarios planned.”

She chuckled. “Exactly. Which is why I was careful about everything I said, because the last thing I need is leaving somewhere like that in a negative way.”

“So, how much vacation time did he give you?”

Taking a sip of the perfect cup of tea, she nodded her head slowly. “Six months. All paid.”

His eyebrows rose dramatically on his forehead. “Six months?!”

She shrugged, biting her bottom lip nervously. “I might have said something about the lack of equal opportunities for women,”

“Might?” He laughed. “I'm not surprised, Kessler.”

“I didn't think you would be.”

“I'm just… glad that you felt comfortable enough coming to me.” Chris smiled as he glanced over at her, her hands wrapped tightly around the mug. He noticed the sleep in her eyes and a small yawn falling from her lips.

“I just realized that… I didn’t have anyone else.” Holland breathed a heavy sigh as she fought the tears from forming in her eyes. “My parents didn’t understand; Bristol thought I was making it into too big of a deal; Max and Scott thought I handled it all wrong. They just… didn’t get it.”

“I may not understand every little detail, Holland; But I’m always going to stand behind you and give you the full support that you need.”

“Thank you.”

“You’ve been through quite a few life changes this year, and you just need to take some time for yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“...and so you don’t mind me staying here for a few days?”

He smiled at her. “You can stay here for as long as you need to.”

*****

“I have a few meetings that I have to be in this morning,” Chris started, running his fingers through his hair nervously. He sighed heavily as he watched her sink onto the edge of his bed, albeit small, was the perfect size. “And you need to get some sleep.” He watched helplessly as she pulled the sneakers and socks from her feet, finally moving to the half zip pullover. The black tank top was tight against her curves, something he hadn’t witnessed in years. “But… I’ll bring some lunch back, if that’s okay with you.”

Holland stood from the bed, hooking her index fingers into either side of her black leggings. “I’m utterly exhausted, so sleep is a welcome occurrence.” She smiled at him as she peeled the tight fabric from her legs, tossing them into the pile she had accrued at the end of the bed. “And of course, food as well, but later… Much later.”

It took every ounce of persistence and courage to not look at anything other than her beautiful, sweet, exhausted face. He smiled at her. “I’ll be in the shower if you need me,” He made his way to her, peeling the sheets and blankets from the top of the bed.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

He was pleasantly surprised as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a sweet embrace. He had forgotten just how short she was as she stood on the edge of her tippy toes in order to fully commit to him. As she let her head fall onto the sweet spot of the nape of his neck, she breathed a heavy, relieved sigh - this embrace with this specific person was exactly what she needed.

“Thank you,”

He chuckled, letting his hand run through her long locks, finally settling on her lower back. “For what?”

She closed her eyes, forgetting how good it felt to be completely encompassed in his arms. His smell, his touch, his grasp… “I didn’t know how bad I needed you, until, I couldn’t stand it any longer.”

The breath hitched in his throat as his emotions finally came to a head. Here she was - finally - in his arms, needing his help, needing to be held by him and him alone. He silently pleaded for the tears that inhabited his eyes to stay put until he could put her to bed, but he knew that he was just asking too much. “I’m not going anywhere, Kessler. I’m staying right here… with you… and only you,” He breathed, his grasp tightening against her body.

She nodded her head against his chest, finally starting to succumb to the sleep that her emotions had finally brought her to. “Good,” She chuckled, letting her hand fall from his neck and down his chest. She didn’t want to let him go, she wanted him to come with her to his bed, to wrap her up in his arms, and to never, ever leave her again.

Only, she knew that she had to let him to go, as much as she hated herself for doing so. She pulled away from him slowly and crawled into his bed, that still smelled of his sickeningly manly scent. He pulled the covers over her before silently retreating to the bathroom, to think about this mornings actions, to hate himself for letting her leave his arms, and to cry over the devastatingly rich emotion that was suddenly brought onto the both of them.

*****

Setting the bags of food down onto the kitchen counter, Chris glanced around the cabin and smiled as he realized that not only did Holland put his bedroom back together, but she even washed and dried the sheets, blankets, and pillows.

Making his way into the master bedroom, he rested his head against the doorframe connecting the closet to the bathroom, never once breaking the gaze he held with Holland, sitting in the middle of the bathtub. “I brought pizza from Manganiello’s, pies from Mary’s Diner, and macaroni and cheese from Aria’s.” He folded his arms against his chest slowly. “You done turning into a raisin yet?”

“Oh, ha ha.” She raised an eyebrow. “Very funny.”

He smiled at her as he picked up the fluffy white towel from the basin of the sink and made his way towards the stone encrusted tub. Unfolding the towel, he held it out in front of him. “Come on, let’s get you out of here. I’m starving.”

“But it’s just so… warm and inviting in here,” She chuckled, pouting up at him.

“Come on, Kessler. I know you have to be hungry, and I have never ever known you to turn down Manganiello’s.” He shook the towel in front of him and smiled. “I won’t look, I promise.”

As she rose from the tub, he maintained his gaze with hers, slowly wrapping the cotton around her torso. “See?”

She smiled at him. “Mmm hmm.” She gripped the top of the towel, pleasantly surprised at the warmth growing inside the small room.

He let his hands fall down her sides, resting on her hips. “Tell me the truth about something, Kessler.” He raised his eyebrows quickly. “Are you having a mental breakdown?”

She chuckled, shaking her head slowly. “Do I… need time to figure things out? Yes. Am I taking the time to think about my next step in life? Yes. But… am I having a mental breakdown? No. At least… I don’t think so.”

He smiled at her as he nodded his head slowly. “Your parents are, well everyone really, they’re just… they’re worried.” He sighed. “But… I told them not to be.” He pursed his lips tightly. “I told them that you were okay, that you needed some time away from everything to figure things out.”

He wanted nothing more than to simply take her in his arms and kiss her as if the world were ending right then and there. But he wanted that moment to be memorable, special, and not at a time like this.

“They do have a tendency to worry,” She smiled softly as she shrugged her shoulders. “I know it's for good cause, but, sometimes it can be a bit... Much.”

He winked at her. “They know that you’re in good hands, and, have agreed to… back off for a little bit.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m pretty sure they’d do just about anything for you.”

He chuckled, shrugging his shoulders gently. “I’ll never reveal my secrets.”

*****

Chris shut the the sliding glass door behind him, making his way towards the swing at the end of the porch, currently occupied by Holland. He unfolded the blanket and draped it across her legs, pulled comfortably underneath her.

“Thank you,” She smiled at him as her fingers slid across the chenille blanket and took a sip of the dark chocolate hot chocolate in the mug wrapped between her hands.

“I, um, have something I want to show you tomorrow.” He cleared his throat nervously as he laid his arm across the back of the wooden seat. “It’s a little bit of a drive, but, I think you’ll enjoy it.”

“Oh, really?” She raised her eyebrows onto her forehead and smiled. “And what exactly do you have to show me?”

He chuckled at the tone of her voice and shook his head slowly, in his head the dirtiest of scenarios beginning to play out. “It’s a surprise.”

“Mmm hmm.” She tilted her head towards her shoulder and sighed. “I guess I’ll just have to wait then, hmm?” She let her gaze be distracted by the bright starry sky overhead. “It's gorgeous, isn't it?”

He smiled as he looked down upon her. “Absolutely.”

“I’ve always wanted to see the Northern Lights,” She sighed, scrunching her nose tightly.

“I know you have. Maybe you can go now, I mean, you do have the time…”

She chuckled. “It’s best to go between late August and April,” She smiled as she looked over at him. “So maybe another time.”

“The point is, Holland, is that you need to go somewhere and get away. You’ve been so busy, going to college, going to law school, interning, landing a job, working all the time… that I feel as if you’ve neglected yourself.” He let his hand fall to her neck, letting his fingertips run against the delicate curve of her neck and down her shoulder. “Take some time, you know? Clear your head. Figure out what you want to do. And for gods sake, relax!”

She nodded her head slowly and took another sip of her hot chocolate. “That’s… not a bad idea, actually.” She snuggled in closer to his side, laying her head on his chest.

“Yeah, I do have those from time to time,” He chuckled, gripping her shoulder tightly, pulling her to his complete grasp. He let his chin rest on the top of her head and sighed. “You deserve it, Holland. And I don’t want anyone to tell you differently.”

**__________________________________________________________**


	7. i know you hate this one

**________________________________________________________**

“I saw that it was for sale, and well, I just couldn’t let it go to someone who didn’t appreciate it the way we did.” Chris admitted, leaning his shoulder up against the doorway of the cabin’s tiny kitchen. “I mean, for god's sake, Holland. You have the location of this place tattooed on your ribs. It meant something, being here, with you - your family - my family…” He trailed off, stopping his words quickly as she turned towards him, with tears filling her eyes.

“But _why_?” Her words weren’t just a simple, why me?, she needed the situation to be confirmed, to be true, to be done for the right reason. It was true, she has the location of this lake front homestead tattooed on her ribs, for it wasn’t just the sun and water that drew her here, it was him. It was always about him, no matter how hard she tried for it not to be.

“Holland,” Chris started, shaking his head slowly. He dropped his gaze to his feet, knowing full well that if he continued to stare at her the way he did, they would both be in tears. “I’ve been in love with you for so many years, that the idea of solemnly being with you is just right outside of my grasp. I happened to drive by this place one afternoon, and saw that it was for sale. I sat there for hours, just staring at it; the memories hurling themselves at me as if I had forgotten everything.” He slid his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and continued. “I had it in my mind that if I could just have this place, you would come back to it eventually.”

“So, then, you… bought it with me in mind?”

This place… between the cabin that they spent countless nights in, making out and making love; the lake that led them on the chase of their lifetime; the forest that surrounded them and made them feel complete…

It was perfection. It was their own little world, where they felt as if they could do anything they ever wanted.

He took in a sharp breath as he watched her move towards him. “More like… for you.”

Holland smiled at him as she reached him; she pressed her palms against his chest. “We’re too old to be playing these games, Christopher. Either you want me or you don’t; but I can’t do this back and forth thing anymore. I just can’t.”

As he took ahold of her hands, he rubbed his thumbs against her smooth, porcelain skin. “I bought this place for you! What do you think that means?”

“I don’t know,” She responded, shaking her head slowly from right to left. “You don’t tell me anything anymore. You hold it inside, you look away, you shy away from my touch. I can’t read your mind, Christopher. You have to tell me what’s going on in here,” She tapped his chest lightly.

“I just told you, Holland. I’ve been in love with you for,”

“Yes,” She chuckled, glancing up at him. “ _Been._ ”

In a moment so abrupt that he barely had time to comprehend what he was doing, his lips crashed onto hers, finally finding that sweet solace of peace that he had been craving for… years. His hands found their way up her arms, teasing her skin and innocent crevices, finally resting against her head, cradling it gently as if she would fall to the floor right then and there.

As he pulled away, their breaths ragged and their emotions high, he rubbed the tip of his thumb against her bottom lip. “You are not a game to me, Holland Kessler. You are the love of my life and I will do everything and anything in my power to make you happy and whole again. I am yours and you are mine; and there’s nothing else in the world that I want more.”

*****

“It looks exactly the same,” Holland chuckled, wrapping the flannel blanket around her shoulders tightly. Her gaze continued to remain tight against the lake in front of her, the crystal clear waters sparkling with each movement of wave and light.

“I wouldn’t go out there, though.” Chris spoke up from her right side, glancing at the old, unstable dock that led out to the depths. “One step on that thing and I’m pretty sure it will collapse under our feet.”

“You might want to fix that, then.” She stated, raising an eyebrow high onto her forehead.

Laughing, he nodded his head slowly. “It’s on my list.”

“Oh, you have a list, hmm? What’s on it?”

“Well,” He started, breathing a heavy sigh. “First thing is to demolish the house; Second is to,”

“Wait, what?” She interrupted quickly, furrowing her brows at his previous statement.

“Holland, you have to understand, that house is… the frame is falling apart, I mean hell, I shouldn’t have even had you in the place.” He shot her a look as he leaned his head towards his shoulder. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“But,” She started, shaking her head slowly… _surely, they could at least_ …

“Nope. The damage is irrefutable.” He glanced back over his shoulder quickly. “Besides, don’t you want something bigger? Something remodeled to your own specifications?”

“Bigger isn’t always better, you know.”

“Well, thank god for that.”

Holland couldn’t help but to laugh. “I’m serious.”

“I know you are.” Breathing yet another sigh, he rolled his eyes playfully. “Okay, fine. We’ll fix the dock first. Will that make you happy?”

“Depends. How much will it cost?”

“Depends on what you want. Besides, your dad wants to pay for it anyways.”

She quickly glanced to her right. “I’m sorry? My dad?”

Chris grimaced. “Yeah, your dad. He, uh, gave me the down payment for this place. Said that… he appreciated what I was doing and respected me for my decision.”

“Yeah, that sounds like my dad.” She chuckled.

“I didn’t go to him and ask him for it, you know. Although, I did go to him and told him what I wanted to do, just as a courtesy, I guess… I didn’t want to be making a mistake.”

“You weren’t.” She reassured him with a smile so sweet that he literally could have melted right then and there.

God, if he could preserve this moment and let them live in complete harmony and peace for the rest of their lives, he would have done anything…

“So… what now?” She inquired, her heels turning her body around to face him completely.

“One step at a time, my dear.” He took ahold of her hand and squeezed it gently, continuing his words as if they had the rest of the world in the palms of their hands. “One step at a time.”

*****

The month of April not only brought Holland and Chris closer in their blossoming relationship, but also brought a few career prospects and decisions for Holland. She knew that she had to work, there was no doubt about that, but it was just a matter of what she wanted to do.

There were countless offers from law firms requesting that she be apart of their team, but she was unsure if that’s really where she wanted to take her career. It was exhausting, it was taxing, it was nothing like she had ever imagined… and although she believed that it was what she wanted to do for the rest of her life, she began to question the validity of her wants and needs.

Was it _really_ what she wanted to do? Or was it her father, pressuring her to rise into his own footsteps?

Shaking her head dumbfoundedly, Holland finally gained the strength and courage to take all of the official letters from law offices around the state and drop them into the trash bin.

“I bet that felt better, hmm?” Bristol smiled widely as she watched Holland rub her hands together, her gaze still fixated on the balled up letters mixed in with the trash.

“Much,” She responded, making her way towards the kitchen counter of her brownstone, where the coffee was still hot and waiting patiently in the mug that Bristol had poured for her moments ago.

“Somehow, you always come around to that first offer you received.” Bristol raised her eyebrows up and down quickly as she sat the newspaper onto the bar next to her. “Which, I don’t blame you. It seems more of… your speed.”

Holland rolled her eyes as she took a sip of the dark roast coffee. “My speed isn’t exactly what I’m concerned about.” She responded, cradling the warm mug between her hands. “I’m just afraid that everything I care about… everything I went to school for… will be lost.”

“I don’t think it will; I mean, you’ve never been one to settle for anything that you weren’t happy with.”

Glancing over at the kitchen table that they never used, Holland’s gaze landed on the thick black folder sitting neatly against the wood. “They keep sending me emails, making sure all of my questions are answered, offering me trips to DC to see their building and get more of an understanding of what I would be doing.”

“Holland. You’d be working from home, here, in your pajamas, in Boston… making bank. Did you forget that part?”

Taking another sip of the bold, lustrous coffee, Holland stifled a chuckle. “No, trust me, I didn’t forget that part.”

Bristol smiled softly at the blonde standing in front of her. “What does Chris have to say about it?”

“He thinks that I should go down to DC and base my decision on that.”

“Which is EXACTLY what I said!”

Holland laughed, nodding her head in agreeance. “Yes, yes… I know… It’s exactly what you said.” She confirmed, attempting to hide the smile from her face.

“And… if I may be so bold… can I ask how it’s going with you two? I know you both said that you wanted your privacy, but… I can’t help but to be curious.”

Holland couldn’t help but to chuckle. It was true, they did tell Bristol and Scott (and that’s all) about what was transpiring with them, but also requested as much as privacy as they could give them because truthfully, they just wanted to be able to do it their way, and with no one else’s comments, concerns, or advice.

“It’s going just fine, B. We’re sort of… figuring things out on our own, you know? Letting the universe guide us. It's exciting, really.”

“Well, I, for one… could not be happier for the both of you.” Bristol admitted, smiling sheepishly then quickly frowning as she glanced at the time on her phone. “But now I have to go to work.”

Holland stuck her lower lip out  in protest.

“Oh, hush. You’re getting paid and you don’t even have to go to work.”

“What?” Holland couldn’t help but to laugh. “It’s a sympathy pout, trust me.”

**________________________________________________________**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Any comments/suggestions/thoughts are welcome! 


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